Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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