dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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