I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
