its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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