She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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