I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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