May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
