winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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