I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
