After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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