I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
