god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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