Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Welp...herpes.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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