our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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