You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
These tits shall not be calmed
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
