just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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