The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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