Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
