Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
