If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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