This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
