Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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