Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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