hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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