My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
