he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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