Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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