I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
