he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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