Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
