If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
