I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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