Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
