my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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