3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
