woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
