I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i now understand why vodka
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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