My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
