when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Every concussion has its silver lining
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
