I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
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