We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
