i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
