I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
try to milk me bitch
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
