So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
