Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
