it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
