Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
