areolas are like halos for boobs.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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