i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
