I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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