I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
