i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
