So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
