there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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