I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
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Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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