The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
