This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
